“Mmm… Nwaaaaaaaahhhh…”
Good morning…
…Breasts…Long hair...Shorter... "Monday…"
Welp, time waits for no man… Woman.
Ugh.
…Into the shower, struggling to maintain my wavy mess of blonde, rather than a messy mop of brown…
…Blue lightweight hoodie…jeans… Nearly forgot the bra…again…
…This is the wallet I used yesterday. Stay focused…
Out I go. As usual, a pale, black-haired guy dressed in a black tank top and shorts slumps toward his bedroom, red eyes baggy and fanged mouth agape.
“Good night…” He grumbles.
“Good morning…” I retort dryly.
It’s too early for both of us.
…..
Oh, sorry, you probably have no idea what’s going on. My name’s Sal. Sal Gaiman.
Mr. Sunshine back there was Blake. He’s a vampire.
You’re probably thinking: “isn’t that dangerous?!” Not really. We keep plenty of tomato juice. And all the tenants in this house are inhuman, anyway.
…Maybe I should start from the beginning.
Vampires, dullahans, etcetera… Used to live in everyday life, right? Not anymore; lifestyles that worked in spread-out villages failed when humans moved to tightly packed and monitored cities.
History shows humans react poorly, speaking generously, to our kind. With law enforcement now breathing down your neck at every living moment, that’s a big problem!
Born or made inhuman, we adapt from human norms to keep living. Vampires can’t suck blood under police watch, succubi can’t have sex to get proper life force intake without murder accusations, and dullahans can’t work because they can’t hold two things: jobs not involving killing people, and their heads.
Myself? I’m not really a girl, I’m born male. Starting on my eighteenth last Fall, on even-numbered days, I’d turn female, switching back on odd days. Apparently magic considers Sunday Day One of the week.
Shapeshifting mages can pass on this hereditary quirk in their…soul? Their children aren’t acclimated to, and… Argh…it’s…complicated. Lily explained this better; Her parents once drained souls 24/7.
Anyway, two routines…two jobs…two wardrobes…two IDs. I’m effectively living a double-life except here at home.
Awkward…to the say the least. Hence why I don’t share a room with my housemates.
Blake’s probably halfway asleep by now, and Lily’s plopped on the couch grumbling in her fuchsia PJs, hair long, straight, and snow white. Typical morning.
But Kelly’s actually got her redhead on straight this morning. Smiling, too.
Sitting on the couch, I think this’ll be an atypical morning. “Good…morning?”
Lily grumbled, “What’s good about it…?”
I know that look: the “two-weeks-without-doing-it” look. “You….really need a hobby.”
“I can’t help if it’s my nature! What’s a girl gotta do to get a diMMMMPPHHH!” Made it just in time…!
“Keep it down?!” My face feels like it’s burning... “Wake the whole block, why don’t ya? Least of all our sleep-deprived bloodsucker…!”
“Shurrhreehhh…” Oh, right. Remove hand. “Sorry…but you gotta understand where I’m-”
Yep, definitely burning. “No, I don’t.”
“…Really? Curiosity never crossed your-“
“No!” Definitely awake now, too…
“C’mon… You’re suuuuurreeee…? ♥”
Can we just change the topic?!
“Breakfast’s ready!” Bless you, Kelly!
I scrambled to the table, Lily behind… Pancakes, huh? “What’s the occasion?”
Kelly bounced gleefully in my direction, “Haha! I finally got- Whoop!” Nearly lost her head there. Didn’t stop her smile, though. “Ahem…finally got a job!”
Well! Call me a liar! “That’s great!”
“So, what’re you losing your head over?” Lily…
“If you must know…” Kelly huffed, “I’m officially...starting today...as a butcher!”
..... Yep, atypical morning.
“Isn’t that great?! I can finally be like my parents without hurting humans! And if my head falls off, I won’t blow my cover!” Don’t sound so pleased about that! And don’t pull your head off while saying it!
“Earning a one-way ticket to the casket and unemployment.” Blunt, but Lily has a point…
“Ugh… Okay, Lily, your suggestions?” You might regret that.
“Well…I can think of a few…”
There’s the blush… “I-I-I meant no lewd suggestions!”
“Killjoy. Alright…how ‘bout a neckerchief?”
“Tacky.”
“Scarf.”
“It’s Summer.”
“… Stitching?”
“Painful! And you’re not a surgeon!” Well, at least she tried.
“I dunno what else. Quit this bad idea?”
“At least it’s a job!”
“Hey, I have a-”
“One-night stands are not enough for rent!”
THWAM!
“The hell’s with the noise?!” Crap…Blake’s up…
“Kel’s getting a job as a butcher, and can’t keep her head on.” Lily…
“… Huh?! I thought you were trying to stop killing humans?! You don’t even own a hockey mask, or-”
I sighed. “A meat butcher, Blake.” Too many late-night movies again… Not to say nocturnal bloodsuckers have plenty of options…
“… Oh. How about a scar-“
“It’s Summer.” Like a synchronized chorus.
“Oh, right… Um…tough it out? It’s better than prostitution.”
“Okay, I get it! My job sucks…” Lily’s smirking. Not good. ”Hey, Sal, that bar you work at hiring?”
“I draw enough suspicions sharing a surname with myself. The last thing I need is getting a nympho hired.”
“Still healthier than you, Ms. No Fun Fondles.”
“Can we have a conversation not about my breasts for one day?!”
“At least I acknowledge I’m all about sex. You’re such a prude it’s hilarious.”
“Well, surprise, not all men think with their dicks!”
Don’t laugh! “Okay, fair enough. Still…it’s unhealthy to deny your other half like this.”
What’s she talking abou-
“She’s right, you know.” Kelly, not you, too… “Sure, parts of being a dullahan are…inconvenient, but I can’t just deny them.”
“Yeah…vampirism sucks, this day and age… At least I found something to cope with it.” Even Blake…?
Good morning…
…Breasts…Long hair...Shorter... "Monday…"
Welp, time waits for no man… Woman.
Ugh.
…Into the shower, struggling to maintain my wavy mess of blonde, rather than a messy mop of brown…
…Blue lightweight hoodie…jeans… Nearly forgot the bra…again…
…This is the wallet I used yesterday. Stay focused…
Out I go. As usual, a pale, black-haired guy dressed in a black tank top and shorts slumps toward his bedroom, red eyes baggy and fanged mouth agape.
“Good night…” He grumbles.
“Good morning…” I retort dryly.
It’s too early for both of us.
…..
Oh, sorry, you probably have no idea what’s going on. My name’s Sal. Sal Gaiman.
Mr. Sunshine back there was Blake. He’s a vampire.
You’re probably thinking: “isn’t that dangerous?!” Not really. We keep plenty of tomato juice. And all the tenants in this house are inhuman, anyway.
…Maybe I should start from the beginning.
Vampires, dullahans, etcetera… Used to live in everyday life, right? Not anymore; lifestyles that worked in spread-out villages failed when humans moved to tightly packed and monitored cities.
History shows humans react poorly, speaking generously, to our kind. With law enforcement now breathing down your neck at every living moment, that’s a big problem!
Born or made inhuman, we adapt from human norms to keep living. Vampires can’t suck blood under police watch, succubi can’t have sex to get proper life force intake without murder accusations, and dullahans can’t work because they can’t hold two things: jobs not involving killing people, and their heads.
Myself? I’m not really a girl, I’m born male. Starting on my eighteenth last Fall, on even-numbered days, I’d turn female, switching back on odd days. Apparently magic considers Sunday Day One of the week.
Shapeshifting mages can pass on this hereditary quirk in their…soul? Their children aren’t acclimated to, and… Argh…it’s…complicated. Lily explained this better; Her parents once drained souls 24/7.
Anyway, two routines…two jobs…two wardrobes…two IDs. I’m effectively living a double-life except here at home.
Awkward…to the say the least. Hence why I don’t share a room with my housemates.
Blake’s probably halfway asleep by now, and Lily’s plopped on the couch grumbling in her fuchsia PJs, hair long, straight, and snow white. Typical morning.
But Kelly’s actually got her redhead on straight this morning. Smiling, too.
Sitting on the couch, I think this’ll be an atypical morning. “Good…morning?”
Lily grumbled, “What’s good about it…?”
I know that look: the “two-weeks-without-doing-it” look. “You….really need a hobby.”
“I can’t help if it’s my nature! What’s a girl gotta do to get a diMMMMPPHHH!” Made it just in time…!
“Keep it down?!” My face feels like it’s burning... “Wake the whole block, why don’t ya? Least of all our sleep-deprived bloodsucker…!”
“Shurrhreehhh…” Oh, right. Remove hand. “Sorry…but you gotta understand where I’m-”
Yep, definitely burning. “No, I don’t.”
“…Really? Curiosity never crossed your-“
“No!” Definitely awake now, too…
“C’mon… You’re suuuuurreeee…? ♥”
Can we just change the topic?!
“Breakfast’s ready!” Bless you, Kelly!
(Stack of original pancakes by Jack and Jason's Pancakes, taken from Wikimedia Commons)
I scrambled to the table, Lily behind… Pancakes, huh? “What’s the occasion?”
Kelly bounced gleefully in my direction, “Haha! I finally got- Whoop!” Nearly lost her head there. Didn’t stop her smile, though. “Ahem…finally got a job!”
Well! Call me a liar! “That’s great!”
“So, what’re you losing your head over?” Lily…
“If you must know…” Kelly huffed, “I’m officially...starting today...as a butcher!”
..... Yep, atypical morning.
“Isn’t that great?! I can finally be like my parents without hurting humans! And if my head falls off, I won’t blow my cover!” Don’t sound so pleased about that! And don’t pull your head off while saying it!
“Earning a one-way ticket to the casket and unemployment.” Blunt, but Lily has a point…
“Ugh… Okay, Lily, your suggestions?” You might regret that.
“Well…I can think of a few…”
There’s the blush… “I-I-I meant no lewd suggestions!”
“Killjoy. Alright…how ‘bout a neckerchief?”
“Tacky.”
“Scarf.”
“It’s Summer.”
“… Stitching?”
“Painful! And you’re not a surgeon!” Well, at least she tried.
“I dunno what else. Quit this bad idea?”
“At least it’s a job!”
“Hey, I have a-”
“One-night stands are not enough for rent!”
THWAM!
“The hell’s with the noise?!” Crap…Blake’s up…
“Kel’s getting a job as a butcher, and can’t keep her head on.” Lily…
“… Huh?! I thought you were trying to stop killing humans?! You don’t even own a hockey mask, or-”
I sighed. “A meat butcher, Blake.” Too many late-night movies again… Not to say nocturnal bloodsuckers have plenty of options…
“… Oh. How about a scar-“
“It’s Summer.” Like a synchronized chorus.
“Oh, right… Um…tough it out? It’s better than prostitution.”
“Okay, I get it! My job sucks…” Lily’s smirking. Not good. ”Hey, Sal, that bar you work at hiring?”
“I draw enough suspicions sharing a surname with myself. The last thing I need is getting a nympho hired.”
“Still healthier than you, Ms. No Fun Fondles.”
“Can we have a conversation not about my breasts for one day?!”
“At least I acknowledge I’m all about sex. You’re such a prude it’s hilarious.”
“Well, surprise, not all men think with their dicks!”
Don’t laugh! “Okay, fair enough. Still…it’s unhealthy to deny your other half like this.”
What’s she talking abou-
“She’s right, you know.” Kelly, not you, too… “Sure, parts of being a dullahan are…inconvenient, but I can’t just deny them.”
“Yeah…vampirism sucks, this day and age… At least I found something to cope with it.” Even Blake…?
“You could at least shake up your look. You still wear
the same clothes as a boy whil-”
“Okay! Fine,
Lily!” Back to my room…!
SLAM!
Shiff…shiff…shiff…
SLAM!
“There! Now
no one will mistake me for myself! Happy?!”
….. They’re just staring at the frilly skirt I put on...
“Kehe…heeheehee…!”
Lily, c’mon…
“Ehehehehe…”
“Ge…hahahaha…!”
“Kelly! Blake! What’re…?!” … Pfft…I can’t…either…
“Bwahahahaha…!”
S-So stupid…! The morning started so…crappy! T-Then
one thing led to another…!
“Ahahahahaha!”
Ah… Dullahan, shapeshifter, succubus, and vampire! Definitely not a nuclear family…!
…But I wouldn’t trade these goofballs for anything…
Author's Note
Author's Note
And now for something WACKY!
The Russian Folk Tales contain encounters with the supernatural where, not only are the worlds of humans and monsters are close together, monsters are prone to hide in human society, such as the witch in The Witch Girl and the dullahan in The Headless Princess. This notion of human-likes trying to blend in human society spurred my comedic side, and the result is this eclectic bunch of weirdoes trying to be human in a society that negatively views them.
I felt having a first-person view through one of the characters would give a good level of intimacy with the characters and humor, and the jokes stemmed from preconceptions of how we see these monsters typically and how they are affected by the heavily-mediated society of the modern era. Example: vampires stalk targets in the dead of night to drink blood, but with higher night-life activity, vampires cannot go out at night without being spotted. And since vampires sleep during the day anyways, we turn one of the most feared creatures of the night into an irritable shut-in whose only real world experience is fabricated and fictional, such as in movies.
Practically the only character that doesn't have a direct counterpart is Sal; shapeshifters are a concept spreading across mythologies, but there aren't specific creatures who only change gender. As for why a gender-changing character, partially stemming from my love of Your Name./Kimi no Na wa., I find the concept fascinating, as they tend to be interesting sources of humor and commentary on social norms and psychology.
I knew I wanted this to be more of a slice-of-life kind of story rather than seeming to have a definite conclusion, but the problems therein are: "where do you go?" and "where do you stop?" I decided to have their non-sequitrs come full-circle to emphasize the strange interconnected quality of our problems and experiences in everyday life. It's also funny how I also come full-circle from a story involving a butcher to having a character who decides to take a job as a butcher! I hope you found something to laugh at, and thanks for reading all this time!
P.S.
While I didn't find a place to drop them, Sal's housemates also have full names. Here they are:
Blake Keller
Lily Minett
Kelly Callaghan
The Russian Folk Tales contain encounters with the supernatural where, not only are the worlds of humans and monsters are close together, monsters are prone to hide in human society, such as the witch in The Witch Girl and the dullahan in The Headless Princess. This notion of human-likes trying to blend in human society spurred my comedic side, and the result is this eclectic bunch of weirdoes trying to be human in a society that negatively views them.
I felt having a first-person view through one of the characters would give a good level of intimacy with the characters and humor, and the jokes stemmed from preconceptions of how we see these monsters typically and how they are affected by the heavily-mediated society of the modern era. Example: vampires stalk targets in the dead of night to drink blood, but with higher night-life activity, vampires cannot go out at night without being spotted. And since vampires sleep during the day anyways, we turn one of the most feared creatures of the night into an irritable shut-in whose only real world experience is fabricated and fictional, such as in movies.
Practically the only character that doesn't have a direct counterpart is Sal; shapeshifters are a concept spreading across mythologies, but there aren't specific creatures who only change gender. As for why a gender-changing character, partially stemming from my love of Your Name./Kimi no Na wa., I find the concept fascinating, as they tend to be interesting sources of humor and commentary on social norms and psychology.
I knew I wanted this to be more of a slice-of-life kind of story rather than seeming to have a definite conclusion, but the problems therein are: "where do you go?" and "where do you stop?" I decided to have their non-sequitrs come full-circle to emphasize the strange interconnected quality of our problems and experiences in everyday life. It's also funny how I also come full-circle from a story involving a butcher to having a character who decides to take a job as a butcher! I hope you found something to laugh at, and thanks for reading all this time!
P.S.
While I didn't find a place to drop them, Sal's housemates also have full names. Here they are:
Blake Keller
Lily Minett
Kelly Callaghan
Bibliography
Mythology & Foklore Russian Folk Tales Unit, stories taken from Russian Fairy Tales: A Choice Collection of Muscovite Folk-lore by W. R. S. Ralston
Wikipedia research on the dullahan
Wikipedia research on the dullahan
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